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Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Emotions

There are just some days when the little things overwhelm me. Blame hormones, barometric pressure changes, lack of sleep, too much sleep, whatever. But stuff that the day before wouldn't have phased me, today threatens to turn me into a puddle. Could be good stuff and happy tears, or bad stuff and sad tears.

For example, yesterday was one of those days. Samantha was using her charm and "lawyer skills" to try and argue her way out of trouble. She had a look about her eyes and mouth that was so much like my brother John, I had to walk away because I couldn't stop the tears. I had such feelings of sadness and anger. (A horribly painful combination, by the way. You want to punch the person in the face and hug them at the same time.) But last week when a similar thing happened, I could laugh about it, tell Samantha a story about her uncle's abilities to talk himself out of nearly any situation, and still discipline her. Not even a hint of a tear.

Also yesterday I was fretting about bills. I try really hard to not fret about bills. We have seen God do amazing things with our finances. Just when I think all hope is lost and the mortgage will just have to be paid late, something happens (overtime pay, a gift, extra part-time hours, etc.) and the mortgage check clears on time, without an issue. 

So yesterday I was fretting, but trying not to fret. Abby came home from her job and showed me something she had in her paycheck envelope: a $100 Stop and Shop gift card! A thank you for something we had done for her boss over a month ago. Something we certainly weren't expecting any kind of compensation for; simply one farmer helping another farmer. Again I became a weeping mess; this time it was happy tears. Gratitude and relief all mixed up with frustration at myself for doubting. God is so good and we are so undeserving. 

I don't know, maybe I would have gotten teary eyed about the gift card no matter what the day. But yesterday everything made me cry. Doing errands with Sam I got all teary because he didn't feel good (same bug I had last week), but he still wanted to spend time with me. After praying and visiting with a friend, I got teary with thankfulness for good godly people in my life who encourage me when they don't even know it. Listening to Hannah help Rachel with her math, the tears started again because I am so proud of my kids and how much they can (at times) love each other. I want their relationships to stay this close and loving all their lives.

Today I don't feel as weepy. I can write this post and not even need a tissue. I don't think I could have done that yesterday. Something happens in our brains that changes how we see and feel things. I don't understand it, but it shows me that just because I "feel" a certain way at a specific moment, does not make it necessarily true. In the Bible Jeremiah 17:8-10 says:
They will be like a tree planted by the water
    that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
    its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
    and never fails to bear fruit.”
The heart is deceitful above all things
    and beyond cure.
    Who can understand it?
10 “I the Lord search the heart
    and examine the mind,
to reward each person according to their conduct,
according to what their deeds deserve.”

And so I am reminded to check what my heart is telling me. I can not dare trust my emotions, because they can change with a good night's sleep. But I can trust God's truth and in every situation, if I check that first, perhaps I'll be less likely to fret, get angry, or lose hope. I think, I will always have those weepy days every once in a while though. 
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