I am sad because I fear you will never have peace. You will forever be trying to make your “versions of truth” theory fit the circumstances around you. And when you die, when you face God, you will know the Truth and all of your “versions” will fall short. For eternity you will not have peace.
I have neither the debating abilities, nor the intelligence to argue well. I cannot bluster, bluff, and bully my way through an argument. Neither do I have the ability to stick my head in the sand and pretend all of this isn't happening. I am not able to think quickly on my feet, and so I am writing my thoughts here.
I keep writing things and then erasing them, because I don’t think you will ”read” them as I intend them. And then I think, I should just write them and let the chips fall where they may. I hope you can see that I say these things with love, because I do love you.
There is a truth that is absolute: God is true. That Truth is the foundation of who I am, how I behave, how I treat my marriage, how I raise my children, and how I interpret the world. Because you choose to not believe that Truth, we will never see eye-to-eye on just about everything. When I don't argue with you, you say we are “agreeing to disagree”. I called it “turning the other cheek”.
There were times in Jesus’ life where He stood His ground. He turned over the tables in the temple and “cleaned house”. He also advised his disciples to “shake the dust from their sandals and walk away” when they encountered certain opposition. Because I do not like conflict, I have not stood my ground and defended my faith, my husband, my children, or myself as I should have. I deeply regret that I have not taken a stand sooner. I want you to know I am not walking away from our relationship, but I am setting some boundaries.
I am learning so much about myself and my God through all this. I can honestly say I am thankful for all that has occurred, even the deeply painful stuff. There are times when I can hardly breathe because of the sorrow that overtakes me. God is gracious. He has surrounded me with godly advisers and prayer warriors. Like Aaron and Hur holding up Moses, they have held me up when I was too weak and tired to manage.
I believe prayer is more than simply wishful thinking. I have seen prayers answered in some unbelievable, amazing, and miraculous ways. I believe it moves mountains. I believe it can move the rock that is within your heart and the blinders that are on your eyes. I am praying for you.
The truth is I have peace. I have righteousness. I have joy. Even in the midst of all this mess. My joy comes from knowing that in the end, God wins. In the end, God is righteous. God is Truth and I will cling to that until I see Him face to face.