My kids, on occasion will let me know those areas of parenting where I have failed them. Usually along these lines:
"Hannah is angry that you never...."
"Abby thinks you should have..."
"Rachel says you didn't..."
I'll be honest those little zingers from my kids can have an impact. It hurts to be criticized, especially from creatures that you worked so hard to keep alive.
The other day, such an incident occurred and the item discussed revealed a particular time period in my life as a parent. I thought, "Man, if they only knew what I was dealing with at that time."
And then I thought about that. Without realizing it, they were revealing to me my greatest success as a parent: they didn't know. They had no idea the depth of what I had been going through.
They didn't know about my depression, how I fought most mornings to get out of bed. How, sometimes it was hour by hour that I struggled to not crawl back in once I was up. They didn't know that making pancakes for breakfast was an accomplishment. That all my "busy-ness" was because I feared that if I stopped, I would cease to exist.
They didn't know the true extent of our financial disaster. I turned not buying groceries into a game: let's see what we can make with what we already have in the house. Not buying oil for the furnace became lets use the woodstove for heat and hot water like it's Laura Ingalls' time. TV free week stretched into TV free year when there was no money for cable.
They never knew the brink at which my marriage sat precariously for so long, as two very flawed sinners tried to reconcile deep hurts.
I look at my girls, all of them so grown up. Yeah, I messed things up. I didn't do everything I should have, and sometimes I was selfish, or lazy, or exhausted, or sick, or just lost my way. My job as a parent was to protect and shield them from the nastiest parts of life in the grown-up world, and I apparently had done that, because they didn't know.
My girls are strong. They each have a fearlessness that is unique to their own view of the world. They can tell you what they believe and why they believe it. They know they are loved and they know how to love others fiercely. They will rally together when the chips are down and nothing stands in their way when they are united and the goal is taking care of someone.
My wish for them as they move out, get married, and have children of their own, is that someday their children will tell them all the ways they screwed up. Not for some diabolical reason of revenge, but that maybe, just maybe, they would realize that they too did the best they could, with what they had, at that moment. And that is successful parenting.
Showing posts with label parents. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parents. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 13, 2018
Thursday, September 6, 2018
Lessons Learned
These last two years have been filled with lessons learned. Not the least of which have been taught through great losses.
Two years ago, Sam's mom was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer and passed away. Our family witnessed another sad event just fourteen months later, when Sam's dad suddenly took ill and died. In between these two events, Sam's brother Doug was diagnosed with cancer. His passing occurred a few months after his dad's.
In those events, our family got a raw and up close view of what is important at the end of our days. Grandma and Grandpa Smith needed reassurance that they were loved; that their kids, grandkids, and great grandkids, were near. Sam's mom had no regrets. She knew she had done her best, knew God was with her, and knew she was going to be with Jesus. It is hard to say with Sam's dad because his illness was so quick and effected his brain, but he was "Swamp Yankee" stubborn to the end. He left a lot of unfinished business behind with his kids.
Doug, also, just wanted those he loved nearby. He wanted them to know that he loved them. He said "I love you" to Sam more times in his last six months than in all of his 64 years prior. Doug loved his farm, his horses, the people, but he admitted that it kept him from doing the other things he wanted to do. He had a bucket list of about fifteen items that he had never done because farming is a 365/24/7 kind of life.
Sam and I did a lot of soul-searching. We came to realize that we loved what we had done with our kids: dairy goats, chickens, yak, maple syrup, cows, dogs, cats, horses, 4-H. It was all good! Our kids were better for it; our family was better for it. We have zero regrets! (Lesson from Sam's mom) But... our kids were growing up. Only Samantha was living at home and getting the "farming" done took longer and was harder with fewer hands. We were doing it, but we were leaving a lot of unfinished business in the process. (Lesson from Sam's dad)
In March, Sam and I wrote out our own individual bucket lists and made a date to go over them (busy people need to make appointments). It wasn't surprising how many similar items we had on our lists. It was surprising how many identical items we had! We talked about making plans to start doing some of the items (Lesson from Sam's brother) and what it would take to be able to do them: money, time, coverage for farm, etc. We agreed to spend the next 30 days in prayer about it all.
And here's the thing about prayer: God listens. Through a series of events that only God could orchestrate (a post for another day), our farm was closed in June and sold in July. We now have the time, money, and freedom from chores to work on our list.
With all that going on, I spent a lot of time at the ocean. It's my go-to place when my life feels stormy. Something about standing in salty, wild waves, soothes my soul. I reason that if God can deal with an ocean, He can deal with me.
And He does.
Lesson learned.
Two years ago, Sam's mom was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer and passed away. Our family witnessed another sad event just fourteen months later, when Sam's dad suddenly took ill and died. In between these two events, Sam's brother Doug was diagnosed with cancer. His passing occurred a few months after his dad's.
In those events, our family got a raw and up close view of what is important at the end of our days. Grandma and Grandpa Smith needed reassurance that they were loved; that their kids, grandkids, and great grandkids, were near. Sam's mom had no regrets. She knew she had done her best, knew God was with her, and knew she was going to be with Jesus. It is hard to say with Sam's dad because his illness was so quick and effected his brain, but he was "Swamp Yankee" stubborn to the end. He left a lot of unfinished business behind with his kids.
Doug, also, just wanted those he loved nearby. He wanted them to know that he loved them. He said "I love you" to Sam more times in his last six months than in all of his 64 years prior. Doug loved his farm, his horses, the people, but he admitted that it kept him from doing the other things he wanted to do. He had a bucket list of about fifteen items that he had never done because farming is a 365/24/7 kind of life.
Sam and I did a lot of soul-searching. We came to realize that we loved what we had done with our kids: dairy goats, chickens, yak, maple syrup, cows, dogs, cats, horses, 4-H. It was all good! Our kids were better for it; our family was better for it. We have zero regrets! (Lesson from Sam's mom) But... our kids were growing up. Only Samantha was living at home and getting the "farming" done took longer and was harder with fewer hands. We were doing it, but we were leaving a lot of unfinished business in the process. (Lesson from Sam's dad)
In March, Sam and I wrote out our own individual bucket lists and made a date to go over them (busy people need to make appointments). It wasn't surprising how many similar items we had on our lists. It was surprising how many identical items we had! We talked about making plans to start doing some of the items (Lesson from Sam's brother) and what it would take to be able to do them: money, time, coverage for farm, etc. We agreed to spend the next 30 days in prayer about it all.
And here's the thing about prayer: God listens. Through a series of events that only God could orchestrate (a post for another day), our farm was closed in June and sold in July. We now have the time, money, and freedom from chores to work on our list.
With all that going on, I spent a lot of time at the ocean. It's my go-to place when my life feels stormy. Something about standing in salty, wild waves, soothes my soul. I reason that if God can deal with an ocean, He can deal with me.
And He does.
Lesson learned.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
The Very Best Gift
Christmas Day is done! We had a wonderful Christmas with my Grandparents and my parents. I received such well thought out gifts from my girls and Sam: drinking glasses (a GREAT gift as we were down to six glasses: a family of seven, you do the math!), picture frames, homemade bookmarks, chip and dip bowls, pajamas, and a set of knives. I think one of my favorite gifts was: The Princess Bride 20th Anniversary DVD! That movie is the most quoted movie in our house!
The very best gift was getting to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with my Grandparents and my parents. Watching my girls show how grown-up they can be as the pitched in and cleared, washed, and dried dishes. Listening to my husband and my Grandfather exchanged stories. Standing elbow to elbow with my Grandmother at the kitchen sink, washing and drying the dishes together. Quietly doing a puzzle with my Dad at the end of the evening after everyone had left. The pictures of 6 year old Samantha sitting with her 85 year old Great Grandfather and both of them sound asleep, is a precious thing. My children are so blessed to have both sets of grandparents and a set of Great Grandparents to enjoy.
The very best gift was getting to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with my Grandparents and my parents. Watching my girls show how grown-up they can be as the pitched in and cleared, washed, and dried dishes. Listening to my husband and my Grandfather exchanged stories. Standing elbow to elbow with my Grandmother at the kitchen sink, washing and drying the dishes together. Quietly doing a puzzle with my Dad at the end of the evening after everyone had left. The pictures of 6 year old Samantha sitting with her 85 year old Great Grandfather and both of them sound asleep, is a precious thing. My children are so blessed to have both sets of grandparents and a set of Great Grandparents to enjoy.
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