Firewives

Sam and I just spent a weekend participating in an online conference for couples in the fire service. The purpose of this conference is to strengthen marriages in a demographic that has historically high rates of separation, divorce, addictions, and suicide.

It was encouraging for me, to speak with women from around the country who know the lingo. Who can commiserate about the stressors that surround our husbands and our marriages. Who don't judge when we admit that day after shift is hard. Sam also was able to connect with guys as they got honest about PTSD and how it has impacted their marriages. These men were open about their addictions and recoveries and encouraged each other to make getting their marriages back on track a priority.

We spent time asking some really tough questions. We practiced active listening skills while hearing some really hard answers. I'll be the first to admit that our marriage is not all unicorns and rainbows. We have fallen into some really deep pitfalls along our journey. The last three years have been filled with a million challenges, changes, and adjustments. Some we weathered well, others we struggled and required outside help.

This group reassured us that asking for help isn't a bad thing and showed us that we are not alone. Firefighter marriages across the country are under siege, but now we have new resources to access and some new skills to practice. Best of all we have a new "tribe" that welcomed us into their place of camaraderie and support.

If you are in need of firefighter marriage resources check out https://firefighterwife.com/

We had a date night at an outdoor restaurant.

ZOOM meeting with 65+ firefighter families across the country was amazing!

For the first time ever in 28 years of being together, I put on Sam's gear and I have a new appreciation for what he does.

Part of the event included cooking our own dinner together with everyone else via  ZOOM.
Creamy Chicken with Mashed potatoes and Bacon wrapped asparagus.

If Those Two Could See Us Now

Sam and I are going to a marriage conference this weekend. They asked us to send in a picture from our wedding day. After YEARS of being missing, my wedding album was found when we moved to the new house. It will be 27 years of marriage in April. We have shared the details of our marriage struggles with very few people, because marriage is sacred and needs to be protected. But perhaps by showing some vulnerability, we can encourage someone else.

Like the album, our marriage relationship got lost in the day-to-day struggles of babies, homeschooling, jobs, teenagers, farm, and general life. About a year ago, through a series of “only-God-could-do-that” events, Sam and I fell in love with each other again.

Falling in love sounds so easy, but it took real effort: conscious and deliberate work. It required humility, grace, and mercy from both of us as little by little, like peeling the layers of an onion, we unwrapped years of hurt and unmet expectations.

Marriage is hard. Anyone who tells you otherwise is either lying or fooling themselves (or selling you something). The idea of two flawed, imperfect people attempting to coexist in the stressful environment of “life” is challenging enough, but asking them to thrive and live abundantly, is monumentally difficult! It is a task that requires deliberateness and intentionality. For Sam and I, it required God. Only in surrendering our intentions and desires to Him were we able to gain the necessary humbleness. By accepting His grace and mercy for our individual failures, we were equipped to demonstrate grace and mercy for the other’s failings.

Can every marriage recover from a nosedive into lethargy and apathy? No. Sometimes the answer is to walk away from the burning wreckage assured that you did everything you could to survive.
Do I have the magic recipe for healing trauma and deep hurts? Can I say, “If you do thus and so, you will see positive results”? Nope again. I can only share what worked for us and believe me, we made many wrong turns and poor decisions along the way.

Twenty-seven years is a long time, especially in today’s environment. I am thankful that we pulled out of our ditch in time to spend another 30 years together. If the last year is any indication, the next 30 will be epic!

“Better than our promises, is the day we got to keep them. I wish those two could see us now. They never would believe how there are different kinds of happy” ~Sara Groves “Different Kinds of Happy”

Planned Spontaneity??

Sam and I went for a weekend visit to Long Island for my birthday. We rented a house near the ocean and took the ferry over on Friday morning. It was around lunch time when we drove off the ferry so we started discussing food. And that was when I began to notice something about how Sam and I approach vacations.

This was our first time ever taking a trip for just the sole purpose of taking a trip. It was also one of the very few times we were traveling without any kids. Our previous trips involved making sure we were in a particular place for a specific time: visit family, check out/pick up/drop off livestock, visit colleges, or some other planned reason for being where we were. We were either on a schedule or travelling with the kids which made strategically planned stops a necessity and I was the one who did the planning. I mapped out sightseeing stops, stretching-legs stops, and hotels. 

This trip was different: no kids and no plan. I had scouted a few places of interest on the internet and our B&B hostess had recommended a restaurant for us to try. That was it. For lunch I did a quick search on my phone which lead us to a town not too far from the ferry. The restaurant we wanted was crowded so we drove a bit up the road and stumbled onto another restaurant where we ate a lovely lunch on their front porch. I suggested we stroll through the cute little town that was busy preparing for a festival the next day which was how we happened upon a Fireboat Museum and took a tour.

The next morning we went to the Nature Preserve that we had driven past the sign for on our way to our rental. And that's where I really discovered how different Sam and I are! I started down the hiking path and quickly realized Sam had stopped at the kiosk and was perusing the large map of the preserve. So I backtracked and watched as he established where we were on the map. Then after scanning the brochures he picked up the paper version of the trail guide and asked me which way we wanted to go. I shrugged and suggested we just wander the trails and see what we find. 

We started off and after a bit Sam pointed to the spot on the trail map to show where we were. He also then planned the next turn we should take. Sam continued to point out our location on the map, how far we had walked, and how far we had left to go. Meanwhile I was wandering all over the place; walking down side trails and spurs that weren't on the map. 

When we got back after our hike Sam planned out lunch, a hike at a lighthouse, and dinner. While at the lighthouse we signed up for an moonlight lantern tour and scrapped our dinner plans. The next day we knew we had to be at the ferry dock for 1:00 so I suggested we just drive towards the ferry and see what we could see. Sam made a plan for what route we would take.

So there it is. At least when it comes to vacations, I am an adventurer, by the seat of my pants, deal with what comes kind of person, while Sam is a get the map, mark the route, have a plan person. Our next trip is to Iowa. I have decided to forgo my "let's drive and see what we can see" plan in favor of one that is slightly more structured. Sam has agreed to be a little more spontaneous (is there such a thing as planned spontaneity??) We have a destination and a route, but Sam agrees to take a side trail if there is something I want to check out along the way.