Some Days

 Some days it just doesn't seem real. We are six months into this adventure and I hope I never cease to get that thrill in my soul as we drive past the sign for Big Oak Boys Ranch. I see those signs and catch my breath and wonder if I should pinch myself. 

I am humbled by God's love for me: that even in my failures and fumbles, He has given me even the little things, the silly seemingly inconsequential things, that bring me joy.  My home has a front AND a back porch! I have a flag pole in my front yard that Sam so loves to raise and lower each day. I get to love and care for kids! Make meals, do laundry, have talks about the mundane and the eternal. I watch front yard football games, oversee cooking, and check that bathrooms are getting cleaned. And I get to do it in a community of like-minded families. All of us following the same calling, loving and serving God, together. 

It's not easy. Some days are hard: tough decisions have to be made with heavy conversations about the reality of sin and its consequences. I have learned things about myself that aren't pretty. I have had to work on changing my behavior and face my own short-comings. My personal convictions have been challenged and I am stronger for the exercise of examining them in new light.

God has called us to this place and I am so thankful that He chose us to be His hands and feet. I do not feel that I am worthy, but I am willing to work hard to follow His example. He first loved me, fought for me, and gave up everything for me, so I will love, fight for, and give everything for those He puts in my path. 

Just Follow

This morning in my prayer time I asked God to give me hope; a hope that I might someday "get there". Godliness is so far above where I am every day. Discouragement loves to tell me that "I am not enough and never will be". I picked up my devotions in Psalms and read Psalm 139: 23-24: "Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."

At first, I was frustrated with these verses. I am fully aware of all the wicked things in my heart. "I wanted help, not more conviction," I argued. But then, I heard: "Who does the work in these verses?" And I read it again: it's God who is searching, trying, knowing, and leading. My next thought was: "What am I required to 'do'?" The answer was soft: If God is leading me, then all I must do is...                                             

Follow

2 Peter 1:3 His divine power has given us everything required for life and godliness through the knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness. 

Let go. Know Him. Let Him lead. Just Follow.

2021 Is Coming

 At the end of 2019 I chose the word Stand to be my word for 2020 with my final thought being "I want to be found standing in 2020". I thought it would be a year of resting; of getting our feet under us and preparing to move forward.

 I was oh so wrong. It was a year of constantly adjusting and readjusting to what seemed like constant challenges and ever changing situations. Covid came and closed our foster care license. Nathalie and Rachel moved back home. Samantha moved to Kansas. We were presented an opportunity to be house parents in Alabama. And then that was retracted. 

2020 had more curveballs than a world series, but I am still standing. I rolled with the punches and found allies who stood with me. True friends who wouldn't tell me what I wanted to hear, but spoke the truth with grace and love. I found again the grace God has for all of us and the balanced perspective that that grace gives. Too many years of being told that I had to do more to earn God's favor and love were replaced with the understanding that because of who I am (His child),  I am already favored by Him. He favors me because He knows me, not because I behave perfectly all the time. And because I gained this inner balance, I was able to stand strong when everything around me seemed unbalanced.

My word for 2021 is "BEHOLD". 

In the King James Version of the Bible, “behold” is used as the translation of the Hebrew word "hinneh" in the Old Testament and the Greek word "idou" in the New Testament. There is no word in English which conveys perfectly what these words communicate. They might be defined as “Pay careful attention to what is to follow; it is very important!” It is an imperative command to pay attention. To behold something is to focus your attention upon it. I want to remember in 2021 to be alert to how God is moving, directing , and leading me. 

Webster's dictionary defines behold as "to perceive through sight or apprehension" and "to gaze upon" or "observe". If I am going to perceive, I need to be observing. This means I need to focus and see the whole picture. I often get tunnel vision and concentrate only on reaching the goal, losing sight of the experiences at hand in the process. God in 2020 certainly slowed me down and I am learning to be in the moment more often. I can make better decisions when I behold the whole picture.

While mulling over this word, it occurred to me that the past tense is BEHELD. I'll take some artistic license with that word and change it to "Be Held". I want to be held by and to hold loved ones. Covid has limited physical interactions and I want to savor each one when they happen.

Being held means being secure. I want to know God's presence and to rest in the knowledge that He holds me in the palm of His hand. In 2021 I want to remember that I am forever held by God's grace and take courage in that knowledge, so I can step in faith whatever direction He leads. 

2021 is a blank slate; wide open with possibilities and challenges. I want to remember to behold the whole picture, pay attention to the scenery, and slow down enough to perceive God's opportunities. I also want to remember that I will always be held by the Creator of the Universe and I can face the future with confidence.

What Is It About the Ocean?

 I love the ocean and was able to go there two days in a row this week! 

Yesterday, for my second visit, Sam watched as I stood in the waves shin deep. He’d rather be in a boat fishing than standing on the shore.

As we walked back to the car, he asked me why I loved the beach so much? He said, “You get giddy when I tell you our date is going to the beach. You walk barefoot to the waves, stand in them never deeper than your knees, with your face into the wind. All your goofiness is gone and you are just still. Why?”

I. Don’t. Know. 

There is something so deep within me that is affected and I cannot express it. I can only feel it. But I tried to explain it:

It’s the smell. How do you describe ocean air? That smack of salt mixed with “fishy”. I breathe deeper when I’m at the ocean.

It’s the sound. The whoosh of water as it rushes over itself onto the shore. Even a calm sea is rhythmic and loud and an angry ocean does something to my soul that I just can’t explain. I can’t do anything to change the waves, I just experience them as they come and that settles me somehow. 

It’s the feel. Sand under my feet giving way as I walk or as it is pulled away by a retreating wave. Small smooth stones and the occasional sharp shell under my bare feet. The water lapping against my legs, or crashing into me if it’s a rough sea. 

It’s the sight. Experiencing my insignificance in the expansiveness of a horizon that seems to go for eternity is centering. It’s the visualization that there is a whole lot more than me out there. I could disappear and the ocean wouldn’t change. 

There is a verse in the Bible that talks about heaven having no seas. It has always bothered me because the ocean is where I am most at peace. It’s where I feel like I can get my bearings, my footing, and find my balance. There is a connection there for me that is so very spiritual and I don’t understand it at all. How could heaven be heaven with no ocean, if the beach feels like what heaven should be?

It occurred to me this morning as I was mulling these things (what else does one do when wide awake at 3am?), that perhaps in heaven there are no seas, because God is there. I won’t need to stand in waves, or breathe deeply, or look to the far horizon, to connect with my soul. In His presence eternally, I will feel like I am at the ocean all the time. And with that thought I long for heaven even more.

Firewives

Sam and I just spent a weekend participating in an online conference for couples in the fire service. The purpose of this conference is to strengthen marriages in a demographic that has historically high rates of separation, divorce, addictions, and suicide.

It was encouraging for me, to speak with women from around the country who know the lingo. Who can commiserate about the stressors that surround our husbands and our marriages. Who don't judge when we admit that day after shift is hard. Sam also was able to connect with guys as they got honest about PTSD and how it has impacted their marriages. These men were open about their addictions and recoveries and encouraged each other to make getting their marriages back on track a priority.

We spent time asking some really tough questions. We practiced active listening skills while hearing some really hard answers. I'll be the first to admit that our marriage is not all unicorns and rainbows. We have fallen into some really deep pitfalls along our journey. The last three years have been filled with a million challenges, changes, and adjustments. Some we weathered well, others we struggled and required outside help.

This group reassured us that asking for help isn't a bad thing and showed us that we are not alone. Firefighter marriages across the country are under siege, but now we have new resources to access and some new skills to practice. Best of all we have a new "tribe" that welcomed us into their place of camaraderie and support.

If you are in need of firefighter marriage resources check out https://firefighterwife.com/

We had a date night at an outdoor restaurant.

ZOOM meeting with 65+ firefighter families across the country was amazing!

For the first time ever in 28 years of being together, I put on Sam's gear and I have a new appreciation for what he does.

Part of the event included cooking our own dinner together with everyone else via  ZOOM.
Creamy Chicken with Mashed potatoes and Bacon wrapped asparagus.

Standing on the Promises

I find it interesting that the word I chose in January for 2020 was “Standing”.  For the last few weeks I have been challenged to stand in the face of some very real cares and worries.

It occurred to me that standing against adversity requires you to plant your feet and square your shoulders. While your stance is important, your foundation plays an even greater role. Planting your feet on marbles is not nearly as effective as solid ground.

The foundation for my mental and emotional stance always comes back to God’s promises. So after a particularly difficult day recently, I focused my bible study on what God says he will always be. I found four promises that resonated with me in our current situation and the resulting ways I can stand firm in His foundation.

1) God will always be with me.
          God says so many times that he will never leave nor forsake me. He is forever at my side, fighting with and for me. He doesn’t say I will never experience hard things, but that in them He is with me and will bring me through them. In the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, God didn’t extinguish the furnace. He stood in the furnace with them.
Joshua 1:9
Isaiah 43:2
Deuteronomy 31:8
              Because of this I can stand and not despair.

2) God will always be in control.
          While there isn’t one bible verse that says this truth in a simple quotable way, there are many times when God has demonstrated his power. Nothing happens that he hasn’t decided needed to happen. He is sovereign and our finite minds can not even grasp the enormity of what that means.
Isaiah 14:24
Proverbs 19:21
Daniel 2:21
            Because of this I can stand and not fear.

3) God will always be good.
            This promise is so hard for us to believe because oftentimes what is happening to us doesn’t feel good. It feels hard, sorrowful, painful, and to us those are an indication of a break. Broken equals bad in our mindset. Broken is good to God because He knows the end of the story. Mended is so much more beautiful to Him.
1 Chronicles 16:34
Psalm 34:8
Nahum 1:7
          Because of this I can stand and not doubt.

4) God will always be victorious.
          I love this promise! In the end, when all is said and done, God is the winner! He has all the power and all the authority because He created it all.
Romans 8:37-39
John 16:33
1 John 5:4
         Because of this I can stand and I will not fail.

So many more promises of God are in the bible. I would encourage you to seek them out and discover your own way to stand in Him.

Hard Times

I'm not going to lie. The last few weeks have been really hard. Covid has changed so much for everyone I know. Sam's job as a first responder in what is now the second hardest hit city in the state, has certainly shaken up our world. 

Three weeks ago Sam moved into a dorm provided by a local university. They had set up rooms for first responders and health care workers who had concerns about going home after their shifts. At the same time a camper was parked on our property for me to live in so that the girls could go back to work in their "essential employee" positions. 

Three weeks of no physical contact with another human being makes you realize that perhaps you aren't the isolationist you thought you were! 

This separation has changed my relationship with Sam. Talking via video feeds and the occasional face to face visit (maintaining at least 6 feet of separation) has bettered our conversational skills. We've always been good at managing and coordinating family life with distancing; it's just part of being a firefighter family. Now though, it's Sam who is managing the house, and I am the one giving input from the outside. I have had to give up a LOT of control and those that know me, know that is no small feat! 

We are currently attempting to construct what the next steps will look like. We need to find the balance between safety and quality of life. The measures we have taken certainly mitigate the immediate threat, but do not set us up for a long term solution to, what appears to be, a long term problem. This virus that is unprecedented and has a lot of variables, is one that necessitates creativity. I am grateful that our current solution has awarded us the time we need to think things through and make a calculated plan. 

Time is certainly something I have a lot of these days. A blessing and a curse. One thing I have developed over the last three weeks is the habit of taking a breath. When a problem comes up, I am teaching myself to breathe and let the situation sit before responding. It is a very new way of approaching things for me. The downside is I have time OVERthink! I am teaching myself to mentally set thoughts aside and then focus on all the things I can control. Practice makes perfect and I'm getting a ton of practice these days!

Good things come out of times of struggle. Taking the time to recognize them and remember them will help us get through this. That and a mug of whipped coffee! 

It’s been a while since I did a “By the Numbers” post!

As of today:

                      5 Daughters
     
 2 Sons-in-law            

                         2 Granddaughters 
                 
                2 dogs    

          2 cups of coffee consumed (so far this morning! 😳)

4 chickens    
                                           Married for 9,812 days

                      1 Turtle

1 day until our weekend getaway

                                40 days until our anniversary vacation 

                   3 sewing machines

202 days until my birthday🎁🎉

                   28 miles hiked/walked

    9 states and 1 country checked off our bucket list

                                    90 items in my Etsy shop

2 items on my grocery list 

                     1 AMAZING LIFE


                         
                         

If Those Two Could See Us Now

Sam and I are going to a marriage conference this weekend. They asked us to send in a picture from our wedding day. After YEARS of being missing, my wedding album was found when we moved to the new house. It will be 27 years of marriage in April. We have shared the details of our marriage struggles with very few people, because marriage is sacred and needs to be protected. But perhaps by showing some vulnerability, we can encourage someone else.

Like the album, our marriage relationship got lost in the day-to-day struggles of babies, homeschooling, jobs, teenagers, farm, and general life. About a year ago, through a series of “only-God-could-do-that” events, Sam and I fell in love with each other again.

Falling in love sounds so easy, but it took real effort: conscious and deliberate work. It required humility, grace, and mercy from both of us as little by little, like peeling the layers of an onion, we unwrapped years of hurt and unmet expectations.

Marriage is hard. Anyone who tells you otherwise is either lying or fooling themselves (or selling you something). The idea of two flawed, imperfect people attempting to coexist in the stressful environment of “life” is challenging enough, but asking them to thrive and live abundantly, is monumentally difficult! It is a task that requires deliberateness and intentionality. For Sam and I, it required God. Only in surrendering our intentions and desires to Him were we able to gain the necessary humbleness. By accepting His grace and mercy for our individual failures, we were equipped to demonstrate grace and mercy for the other’s failings.

Can every marriage recover from a nosedive into lethargy and apathy? No. Sometimes the answer is to walk away from the burning wreckage assured that you did everything you could to survive.
Do I have the magic recipe for healing trauma and deep hurts? Can I say, “If you do thus and so, you will see positive results”? Nope again. I can only share what worked for us and believe me, we made many wrong turns and poor decisions along the way.

Twenty-seven years is a long time, especially in today’s environment. I am thankful that we pulled out of our ditch in time to spend another 30 years together. If the last year is any indication, the next 30 will be epic!

“Better than our promises, is the day we got to keep them. I wish those two could see us now. They never would believe how there are different kinds of happy” ~Sara Groves “Different Kinds of Happy”

Broken

We have been told by so many social workers, case aids, and lawyers, that we are amazing foster parents. That we have positively impacted the lives of the difficult teens and kids placed in our home. They’ve seen major behavioral improvements as well as physical health improvements in the kids in the short time they have spent with us. I can with confidence say, “We are good at this!”

This past weekend we had to request that the two youths in our home be removed. I alluded in my last post that some crazy events had happened, it seemed in direct opposition to our standing firm in our decision to keep fostering. Unfortunately those events spiraled over the week into both kids subsequently declaring that I had no authority over them and they could do whatever they wanted. And so a higher authority, that did have powers to stop them, was called and they were moved to another home.

Sam wants to take a two month hiatus, but I am convinced that we won’t be taking in any more children. In two months we will re-evaluate where we stand. It is a heartbreaking situation as one of the children was doing so well, and his poor choice to follow the older youth in mutiny, is going to change the trajectory of his life significantly.

For those wishing to do foster care, our tale is not the common one. Once we had demonstrated that we could handle and improve DCF’s “toughest kids”, we became the go-to resource. The majority of children in care are not this difficult or troubled. We just were not offered many of the easy ones.

The experience has not been a waste. Ultimately, I believe that God has walked us through an exercise in obedience. We found resources outside of ourselves and learned to ask for help. We experienced leaning into our faith for strength and on each other. We remained committed and wholly invested until the very last minute.

The nine kids that came through our home in the last seven months all left better than they arrived. The older kids know that there is a better way, they just need to choose it. The younger ones won’t even remember that they were here, but I know they were loved. I take comfort in my broken heart, because it means that I still have one.

Only One Way

Last weekend I attended a Ladies conference with Nathalie and Abby. We had a great time together, eating, laughing, and worshipping. Nathalie may never live down the “there’s only one way” moment, as we were staring down not one, but THREE options! 🤣

I was attending the conference with the prayer in my heart that while we had decided to keep going with fostering for another six months, I still was feeling unsettled. Divided. I still had moments, hours, and sometimes days, where I questioned our decision and wondered what if we just stopped and embraced an empty nest? I was praying that God, through the speakers and the times in prayer, would show me so clearly which way to go.

The first day was wonderful. Fantastic speakers who spoke about God’s sovereignty. His care and patience through our struggles and trials. How He has a plan and even in, especially in, adversity He is teaching us. In a conversation with one of the speakers during some downtime, I shared how Sam and I were going back and forth about our future plans. Each of the two paths had pros and cons, both would bring regrets and rewards, and were going to each have their own trials. She commented that because we were so committed to hearing from God, we couldn’t choose wrongly. No matter which path we picked, God is in control and we are in His will. I chewed on that thought for a long while.

So the next day was more sessions, worship, prayer, and fun with my girls. There were several vendors at the conference and I was drawn to two signs:

One seemed to represent our “empty nest” choice while the other was embracing our fostering choice. The next person who presented spoke on “Identity” and since it was a Christian conference, it was about our identity in Christ. I swear the voice in my head nearly shouted, “WAIT! Hold up a minute! The choice isn’t the point. Who I am is the point!”

Then The next person spoke on “Soaring”. She spoke about Eagles versus Seagulls. The analogies were spot on and, oh how I love a good analogy!😁 And then I heard the word that changed everything:
                          B A L A N C E
Sam and I CAN do both. It’s not a decision between two choices. It’s finding balance in each of them.  So I bought both signs. One hangs over the big map in my living room, and the other will be on the front door as soon as we get the right hanger.

I shared with Sam that night the notes I had written during the conference and WOW! It was really cool to see how God had been working through each of the speakers and presenters. Sam agreed that we had been out of balance. Going gung ho, whole hog, into foster care had left us longing for significant alone time with each other. Which, in turn, had caused us to feel pinched by the amount of time raising hurting kids took away.

So we’ve taken steps to find our balance. We have requested “respite care” services for the kids which will allow us to go away for more than 24 hours. We are putting more of the transportation and appointment requirements back on DCF so that we are doing less running around. We are now asking each other, when faced with a decision, “Does this keep balance or throw us off kilter? Are we soaring or flapping madly?” (Eagles? or Seagulls?)

Of course, not three hours from making those decisions, we had some crazy events that I can’t publicly share. But suffice it to say, I think the devil took our decisions as a personal challenge. 🤦‍♀️ But that’s a story for another day...

Shot in the Arm

Sam and I have been considering whether or not we continue to be foster parents.

Let that sink in.
Something I have been passionate about. Something that I have worked for weeks, months, even years for, and I am thinking that perhaps I should walk away from it.

That is the magnitude with which this "job" takes it out of you.

And so Sam and I did what we do when we are weighing a heavy decision: we prayed about it. A lot.
We also have talked about it. A lot.
There is some really cool stuff that happened with all that praying and talking:

1) I discovered that Sam really LOVES being a foster parent! The guy who was resistant. Whose deal was we would take the classes and "see how that goes" before moving forward with our license. He enjoys being on the other side of the issue (as a firefighter/EMT he has seen the side when the kids are being removed because of the bad stuff that has happened). He feels like by being a foster dad, he is doing something more than putting a band-aid on the problem. It has given him a compassion and perspective for the kids when he is in those situations with his job. He feels a renewed sense of purpose for his life as he stares down retirement.

2) God heard my prayers. I prayed that God would show me, in a very real and personal way, what we should do. Specifically, to show me that we were having an impact. I voiced to Him that we hadn't had a new-kid phone call since Thanksgiving, and I thought our ministry calling was to teens but every kid we've had was not a teen. This was an on-my-knees-tears-streaming prayer. I desperately  want to be doing, and be living, totally in sync with God's will, and if I needed to keep on keeping on, then I was going to need Him to help me do it. I can count on one hand the number of times I have prayed like that and honestly, nearly all have been within the last year.
     Within five hours of that 4am prayer. I received a picture and update about a baby we had cared for for two months. She's going to be adopted this year and her new mom wants us to be there when it happens. She thanked us for being willing to suffer the heartbreak of caring for and loving a baby and then giving her away.
      The next night we got a call for a 14, almost 15 year old boy that needed a home right away. A teen! Like a real teenager, with all of his teenager-ness, attitude and trauma behaviors.
      Your probably thinking, "Wow! That's pretty cool how God answered both prayers."
       I know that's what I  was thinking:
               Positive impact: check.
               Teenager moved in: check.
      But God wasn't done. He was going to drive home the point in an amazing way that would bring me to my knees (quite literally), praising Him for His incredible care for me and all His children:

 The social worker that brought our new teenager's things to the house, was the worker of a kid that we'd had for a couple of weeks at the beginning. It was the hardest decision we have ever had to make to have this boy removed from our home. I have prayed for this child so very much since and have often wondered how he was doing. His worker was able to share with us that he is doing very well in his new home. Telling us that the way we handled him had an impact. The worker had told the new foster mom some of the strategies that we had used and she was thankful to get a "jump start" advantage in dealing with his behaviors. This child still talks about when he lived with us. He has even kept the letters we wrote him when he left. The worker said he is a different kid now and almost unrecognizable. The social worker thanked us with tears in his eyes for hanging on as long as we did; for wanting what was best for this child and recognizing that as much as we were doing, he needed more. He encouraged us to keep fostering.

    My God is an Awesome God!
    My God!
    Is an AWESOME God!

After more talking, Sam and I have decided to go another six months. In July we will evaluate how we are doing and make a decision again. We have a new confidence that God is with us in this and that He will sustain us in it. I wish the words on this page could even begin to express the gratitude and praise I have for Him. He has shown me that His care for us exceeds expectations. I need to trust Him. He delights, DELIGHTS, in showing me His awesomeness, I only need to ask.

Standing Up

I am seeing someone.

A therapist.

🤣LoL!
 Sorry. I couldn’t resist. 😁

Seriously though. This foster care parenting thing is tough! Six months in now and we have had eight kids through our doors. A couple were just respite (very short term care to give their foster parents a quick break or time off), a few were short term (weeks to a couple months), and one is currently very long term, like years.

These kids are upset, angry, confused, hurt, sad, and every other emotion you can imagine. And since they are kids, they do and say things because of how they are feeling. Opening our home to foster children has opened our home to trauma and trauma behaviors. This roller coaster of emotions and behaviors can be exhausting. Throw in caseworkers, bio-families, doctor appointments, DCF meetings, and rules and regulations. Top it off with all the normal issues with biological children, adult children, grandchildren, parents, siblings, friends, etc. etc. etc.

You get the idea. Overwhelmed just brushes against the tip of the emotions iceberg!

Sam noticed I was struggling: emotional, irritable, and sensitive to everything that was said or done. He gently, from a distance, suggested I see someone. Good call on his part. And not just the “from a distance” part! 😂

So I did. And I feel better. I am learning some new strategies for handling our long term foster kid and for dealing with myself. Being aware, that I have needs and if they don’t get met I can’t be the best me there is for anyone, is a good thing. Having a husband who is aware of all that and is quick to suggest, support, and encourage healthy coping strategies, is an amazing thing!

One of my new year’s resolutions is to stand up for myself, because if I don’t, there are very few people who will and a whole bunch of little people need me to stay sane. Part of standing up is becoming self-aware. Standing up is also being humble enough to say, “I can’t do this without help. Please help me”.

This is me in 2020.

New Year 2020

Last year at this time I wrote:

“For 2019 I am choosing the word ADVENTURE. By definition adventure is "an undertaking usually involving danger and unknown risks." It also means "to proceed despite risk." I want 2019 to be the year that we keep going despite the risks that we can see, and the ones that will surprise us. We want to keep building on who we are, growing better, finding our new purpose, developing new skills and talents, and always seeking God's plan.”

2019 was a year of work. Working to become foster parents. Growing our marriage. Building our new house into our home. Striving to heal from past hurts. Crossing items off our bucket list. Taking chances with ourselves and with others. Clearly, we were busy.

And now we are weary. Work, growth, building, healing, and adventures all take effort. So, I believe our word for 2020 is STAND. Standing can be a defensive or offensive position: stand against something (defensive) or stand up for something (offensive). Stand can also be a cessation of movement or process; neither offensive or defensive, just being still.

Even Jesus grew weary and rested: at the well (John 4:6), in a boat during a storm (Mark 4:38), and on a mountain alone (Matthew 14:23). Jesus maintained his ministry, while still taking time for himself. If the savior of the world can take a rest and stand still, then so can I. Being busy doesn’t make me more spiritual. If I am resting and taking care of my body and mind, it does not mean I am selfish. 

I will stand upon what was built in 2019 and during 2020, I will stand up for myself and stand against what others say I should be doing. I will stand still when I need time alone. 

In 2020 I want to be found standing!

May is Mental Health Awareness Month

Conversations:

Person 1: "If I'm being honest, I'm struggling with some stuff and feel very alone."
Person 2: "I'll pray for you."

Or:

Person 1: "I feel like there isn't anyone I can really talk to about how I'm feeling."
Person 2: "You're just in a funk. Spend more time with God in prayer and bible study."

This is how some Christians respond to what people trained in counseling or therapy would say are "red flags". Depression frightens us because we aren't sure how to handle it, or we believe some false things about it. We believe that the person can just muscle through it and force themselves to trust that good things are coming. We have been told that it's a spiritual battle so it must be fought with prayer, bible reading, and church attendance. The depressed person simply needs to believe harder.  We think that it is a passing mood, one driven by hormones or temporary circumstances. It has been preached to us that we are commanded to have joy, to be content in all things, so we assume if someone isn't joyful or content, then they are not being obedient and are sinning.

Christians who are depressed have the added burden of shame, perpetuated by the false assumptions I just laid out. Depression is a disease, NOT a failure of the will and people don't just "get over it". It is not simply a spiritual problem requiring just a spiritual solution; more faith won't solve this problem. 

Does prayer help? Absolutely. God hears and answers our prayers. But in the meantime some other things should be taking place. 
Checking in: A phone call, a text or email. Let them know they aren't alone. Remember that family members are also affected and will need support as well.
Invitation: Make an invitation to get together and don't take no for an answer. People who are depressed tend to isolate themselves, withdrawing from contact. 
Inform: let them know you are listening. Ask questions and really hear the answers. Reassure them that they are loved and wanted.
Report: If you have real concerns that someone could be considering self-harm or is having suicidal ideations, report it. Talk to a pastor, a deacon, or someone you trust who has been trained in how to deal with such things.

According to statistics, people suffering from depression are four times more likely to seek help from a pastor before going to a professionally trained counselor. Unfortunately, just 25% of all clergy are adequately trained for handling mental health issues. Adequately trained is defined as having and maintaining education in mental health counseling beyond an introductory course in post secondary degrees. 

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. According to some statistics 25% of all Americans have a mental illness. Mental illness encompasses everything from bipolar disorder to depression and PTSD.  If people suffering from cancer, can receive emotional support from their churches, then those suffering from depression should too. It is possible, if we view depression accurately though the lens of love rather than a sin or lack of faith issue. 

Signs of depression to be aware of:

They can include:

• Trouble concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions

• Fatigue

• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and helplessness

• Pessimism and hopelessness

• Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or sleeping too much

• Irritability

• Restlessness

• Loss of interest in things once pleasurable

• Overeating, or appetite loss

• Aches, pains, headaches, or cramps that won't go away

• Digestive problems that don't get better, even with treatment

• Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings

• Suicidal thoughts or attempts

Finding Joy

Waiting for the other shoe to drop. That sense of knowing something will happen and it's just a matter of time. It is a saying that comes from the late 1800s when in tenement homes those on the first floor would hear the first shoe drop of their neighbor above and they would wait, knowing the second shoe was going to follow. It brings the idea of being on edge and looking for the evidence that the event is about to come to fruition. Everything gets put on hold while we wait for that shoe to hit the floor.

But, instead of spending our time looking for it, listening and anticipating it, what if we made the best of it. What if since we know it is going to happen, what if we spent the time enjoying what we have: the silence in between the shoes. Let's find the joy in what is actually happening instead of dreading and worrying over what will happen. 

I am working hard to take this approach. The situation is not an "if" it will happen, but very clearly a "when" it happens. I could spend my days planning for all the consequences. I could monitor the signs, looking for hints that it is coming. I could raise walls and defenses, or attempt to control the outcomes. 

or 

I can find the joy in the pause. I can see, feel, and know that right now it is not happening. Right now things are peaceful and quiet. If I enjoy what is happening in this moment, then when the shoe does drop, I will know that I truly experienced the pause. My memories will not be consumed in the worry, angst, and care. Is this what James is talking about in James 1:2 "My brethren, count it all joy..." and Paul in Philippians 4:11 "... for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content."?

 To fix my thoughts on what is right now, isn't always easy. Some days it is a struggle to not dwell on that impending second shoe. But when I do get lost in the joy of the pause between shoes, it encourages and spurs me on to keep doing it. I want to keep seeking out those moments. Those joys can never be taken from me, no matter when or how that shoe falls, the time in the pause is mine to hold forever.

Resolutions

New year, so new resolutions.

Big broad ones:
Spend more time studying the Bible ( and applying it!)
Be better organized.
Take chances and go beyond my comfort zone with my sewing.
Get healthy.

Specific ones:
Walk at least 1 mile every day.
Memorize the book of James.
Go hiking with Sam once per month.
Participate in 3 no spend month challenges.
Simplify and declutter one room per month.
Plan and take 2 big trips this year.

For the specific ones I have added steps to support them. Either writing them in my daily planner (hiking and decluttering) or adding an app to my phone (memorizing James). The first big trip is the end of this month (Grand Canyon!!) and this month is also the first no spend month.

They say writing them down improves the likelihood that you will complete them. Whoever “they” are....

Word

I've never picked a "word for the year". It seems to be the thing to do these days. So I've thought it over and decided the word for 2018 is JOURNEY.

I know. I'm supposed to choose a word for the upcoming year, and I will get to that.

2018 was a journey. It started out as a normal year (ha! like there is a such a thing). We were preparing for sugaring season. The 4H club was running smoothly under Abby's leadership. Various Smith kids had made plans for moving, marrying, or changing jobs/careers. Sam and I were distracted from our personal issues as we focused on his brother's terminal cancer diagnosis.

And then, BOOM! Stuff started happening.
Sugaring season was a struggle with fewer helpers and a good sap run.
Sam's brother passed away. 
The state came unannounced for a visit.
The decision to sell the house was made, it went on the market and sold faster than anyone ever expected.

Before we knew it, it was the end of August and we had been "homeless" for two months, when we finally moved into our new home and started to settle in to our new "normal".

2018 was a journey because journey by definition is "the instance of traveling from one place to another." Not only did we move from one physical location to another, but mentally and emotionally we have moved. Our identity has changed: we are no longer farmers, yak owners, maple syrup producers, or even child-raisers. We have new identities: empty-nesters, grandparents, and travelers.

Our relationship as husband and wife has been on a journey. Through lots of conversations with each other and others, we have grown as a couple. We have dealt with some very difficult situations with each other and our families, and have become better communicators and fogive-ers because of them.

I chose the word journey because journeys give the idea that there is a plan, a path. While we may not have always seen the path clearly, it was there. Looking back, I can see that God was moving, even way back in 2017, setting things in motion for what was in store for 2018. Things that were seemingly unrelated, were in fact intricately intertwined.

For 2019 I am choosing the word ADVENTURE. By definition adventure is "an undertaking usually involving danger and unknown risks." It also means "to proceed despite risk." I want 2019 to be the year that we keep going despite the risks that we can see, and the ones that will surprise us. We want to keep building on who we are, growing better, finding our new purpose, developing new skills and talents, and always seeking God's plan. 

Defining Parenting Success

 My kids, on occasion will let me know those areas of parenting where I have failed them. Usually along these lines:
"Hannah is angry that you never...."
"Abby thinks you should have..."
"Rachel says you didn't..."

I'll be honest those little zingers from my kids can have an impact. It hurts to be criticized, especially from creatures that you worked so hard to keep alive.

The other day, such an incident occurred and the item discussed revealed a particular time period in my life as a parent. I thought, "Man, if they only knew what I was dealing with at that time."

And then I thought about that. Without realizing it, they were revealing to me my greatest success as a parent: they didn't know. They had no idea the depth of what I had been going through.

They didn't know about my depression, how I fought most mornings to get out of bed. How, sometimes it was hour by hour that I struggled to not crawl back in once I was up. They didn't know that making pancakes for breakfast was an accomplishment. That all my "busy-ness" was because I feared that if I stopped, I would cease to exist.

They didn't know the true extent of our financial disaster. I turned not buying groceries into a game: let's see what we can make with what we already have in the house. Not buying oil for the furnace became lets use the woodstove for heat and hot water like it's Laura Ingalls' time. TV free week stretched into TV free year when there was no money for cable.

They never knew the brink at which my marriage sat precariously for so long, as two very flawed sinners tried to reconcile deep hurts.

I look at my girls, all of them so grown up. Yeah, I messed things up. I didn't do everything I should have, and sometimes I was selfish, or lazy, or exhausted, or sick, or just lost my way. My job as a parent was to protect and shield them from the nastiest parts of life in the grown-up world, and I apparently had done that, because they didn't know. 

My girls are strong. They each have a fearlessness that is unique to their own view of the world. They can tell you what they believe and why they believe it. They know they are loved and they know how to love others fiercely. They will rally together when the chips are down and nothing stands in their way when they are united and the goal is taking care of someone.

My wish for them as they move out, get married, and have children of their own, is that someday their children will tell them all the ways they screwed up. Not for some diabolical reason of revenge, but that maybe, just maybe, they would realize that they too did the best they could, with what they had, at that moment. And that is successful parenting.

Planned Spontaneity??

Sam and I went for a weekend visit to Long Island for my birthday. We rented a house near the ocean and took the ferry over on Friday morning. It was around lunch time when we drove off the ferry so we started discussing food. And that was when I began to notice something about how Sam and I approach vacations.

This was our first time ever taking a trip for just the sole purpose of taking a trip. It was also one of the very few times we were traveling without any kids. Our previous trips involved making sure we were in a particular place for a specific time: visit family, check out/pick up/drop off livestock, visit colleges, or some other planned reason for being where we were. We were either on a schedule or travelling with the kids which made strategically planned stops a necessity and I was the one who did the planning. I mapped out sightseeing stops, stretching-legs stops, and hotels. 

This trip was different: no kids and no plan. I had scouted a few places of interest on the internet and our B&B hostess had recommended a restaurant for us to try. That was it. For lunch I did a quick search on my phone which lead us to a town not too far from the ferry. The restaurant we wanted was crowded so we drove a bit up the road and stumbled onto another restaurant where we ate a lovely lunch on their front porch. I suggested we stroll through the cute little town that was busy preparing for a festival the next day which was how we happened upon a Fireboat Museum and took a tour.

The next morning we went to the Nature Preserve that we had driven past the sign for on our way to our rental. And that's where I really discovered how different Sam and I are! I started down the hiking path and quickly realized Sam had stopped at the kiosk and was perusing the large map of the preserve. So I backtracked and watched as he established where we were on the map. Then after scanning the brochures he picked up the paper version of the trail guide and asked me which way we wanted to go. I shrugged and suggested we just wander the trails and see what we find. 

We started off and after a bit Sam pointed to the spot on the trail map to show where we were. He also then planned the next turn we should take. Sam continued to point out our location on the map, how far we had walked, and how far we had left to go. Meanwhile I was wandering all over the place; walking down side trails and spurs that weren't on the map. 

When we got back after our hike Sam planned out lunch, a hike at a lighthouse, and dinner. While at the lighthouse we signed up for an moonlight lantern tour and scrapped our dinner plans. The next day we knew we had to be at the ferry dock for 1:00 so I suggested we just drive towards the ferry and see what we could see. Sam made a plan for what route we would take.

So there it is. At least when it comes to vacations, I am an adventurer, by the seat of my pants, deal with what comes kind of person, while Sam is a get the map, mark the route, have a plan person. Our next trip is to Iowa. I have decided to forgo my "let's drive and see what we can see" plan in favor of one that is slightly more structured. Sam has agreed to be a little more spontaneous (is there such a thing as planned spontaneity??) We have a destination and a route, but Sam agrees to take a side trail if there is something I want to check out along the way.